I'm back, which means one of two things, either I'm gonna start ranting again, or there's something I can't really air on the other blog.

So Christmas is upon us. And yes, this will be a post of yuletide wishes to the people that have made a huge impact in my life over the last year or so. It's also an end of year reflection piece, cos this is likely to be my last post here for the year. Fitting too, cos I might post something similar over at blogspot, so those who read this, congrats, you're effectively having first glances at this before it goes public. Which means this is kinda like a movie screening. You watch the movie first, and then, a few days/weeks later, the DVD/bluray uncut Director's edit is released. Well, except that in this case, it might work in the opposite way.

It's gonna be my 100th post soon on blogspot. I've taken five years to reach the three digit mark. Yeah I know, that's a blog's lifetime to other people, but I'm sorry if I don't update everyday, well cos I just don't see the need to.

But I look back, and I see my first post there, where i toked lik tt, n typed in italics, n pretty much juz introed myself. It was a post that lasted just three sentences, and I remember thinking how weird it was, and I didn't know what I wanted to say. Now look where I am, ranting and launching verbal diatribes just to get loads of my chest.

When I was 13, all I thought of was how to not hand in my Chinese work and get away with it, which provided superbly good anecdotes which I still tell from time to time today. When I was 13, all I thought of was how to get up from that friendship gone awry towards the end of P6.

The story is, that well, I crushed this girl. And this guy, whom I've always had reservations about up till then, came up to me one day to basically gossip, which ended in him telling me he liked her too. Suddenly all the reservations went outta the window and he became my "best friend". A coupla days before PSLE, this dude tells me he was faking all along, and was just playing to see my reaction, which he said he'd broadcast to the whole of the class.

Looking back and retelling the tale, I just think, man, I was a stupid kid. I thought he really did deliver on the threat. But I was TWELVE. Some people think Santa's real at age 12. No excuses, but I was just that kid who trusted the other kid too quickly and too unreservedly. This "betrayal" cut deep at that time. The whole issue of trust became well, an issue. Suddenly, it was too hard for me to trust people, and I was effectively left alone to pick myself up from that "betrayal". At age 17 I feel comfortable putting inverted commas on the term betrayal, just cos this was just in effect, a childish prank designed to screw with your brain. At age 12, I certainly didnt think that.

But what's certain is that I did have to learn how to trust, where previously, trust was never an issue. I guess I sorta grew up and realised, while I can trust some people most of the time, and most people some of the time, I can't trust everyone all of the time. But this is where the peeps in Nanchiau saved me, who told me in their way, you don't have to say you care, to really care about someone. They taught me that even though people like hearing others say that they care about them, usually, it's those who really do that don't make a sound.

Along the way, 100 posts have left memories, memories of angry Mr. Potato Head rants, Bitch Files (which were recently revived circa 2008), posts which were more philosophical than practical, more idealistic than realistic.

But I realise, at 17, I'm more or less at the same crossroads as compared to when I was 13. I've gotta deal with hurts that I've only got myself to blame for, gotta pick myself up from falls caused by people closest to me, even though they're probably oblivious to the shit that has been stirred. I've gotta deal with "betrayals", in opposite senses of the term, even though 4 years from now, I'll look back and me now and think, man, I was a stupid kid. I've gotta deal with coming to terms with the reality that stuff which has happened to me, were just designed to screw with my brain. And this is where my own usual advice to others come in, where I say, what doesn't break me will make me stronger. But that's philosophical at this point.

Which is why I once again turn to the people who hail from the place where I picked myself up 4 years ago. To the people who know me best, you know that I'm this guy who likes to insult people, but also that I'm this guy that gives you a 100% whenever you call for it, should you need it. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I believe that my friends, the people who I find are worthy to be called friends, and for me to mean it, will save me once again.

So, as tis the season to be jolly, I say it's time to be thankful for those that matter. I'm not gonna name all of you by name, cos it'll take too long, cos I know I've got alot of people to be thankful for. And yes, in a weird way, that includes YOU. Cos the very people who are reading this here on Livejournal, that's a statement of your standing in my eyes, that I'd allow you access to my most conflicting emotions. To all that matter, it's a huge thank you from me, for the memories, and the many more that are to come.

I'll hope that 4 years from now, I really am able to look back and marvel once again, at how life has changed for me.

RANT ALERT!

Okay. Another day, another stupid message that manages to kill the mood and get me all upset and irritated and thinking, "Who the hell do you take me for?"

It appears that well, someone else told her he loved her. Someone else apart from me and her preferred option. And lah-dee-dah, she decides to tell me. Matter-of-factly. Like something you and I would mention in passing.

See, I know deep down, that all she wants is for me to tell her what to say.

BUT.

How am I supposed to remain objective?

I can tell her to tell him to fuck off and wait in line, like the rest of us losers, but what good will that do?

I can tell her to say the same stuff she said to me, but I didn't feel like turning the screw in on the other guy, one person feeling this way is good enough.

I can tell her to ignore him and carry on with her life which is like, all happy and without a care in the world, but that is just not cool for the guy.

Here I am trying to tell myself, "if you're happy I'm happy", which by the way, is BULLSHIT. And you have to come along and make it that much harder for me by telling me all this inopportune stuff? Newsflash! IT.IS.NOT.COOL.

So what if you want my honet opinion? So what if you want me to tell you what to do like in the past? Times change, and the scenario has changed. I'm no longer that guy. I can in all honesty, tell you to fuck off, and mean it.

Girls, you know what really irritates the guys that like you? Exactly that. The need to fill us in on every happy moment without realising we have feelings too, and regardless of whatever we might say outwardly, there is THAT much of a chance that we feel the pain deep within, and just have to grin and bear it.

"If I'm happy, that's good"

Great mentality. Whoever honestly carries that out, deserves a prize. Cos it's all sweet and great to hear, but do you have any fucking idea how difficult that is? At times you wanna go, "Listen, it's good that you're happy, but WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!"

Three words that sum up everything. What about me?

Love sucks. Like Elvis said on his MSN nick, (yeah I have a friend called Elvis) "Loving someone gives them the power to hurt you".

Couldn't agree more.

Me and Seow Hung came up with a theory that love is like Sodium. It's very reactive, combusts rather easily, and well, needs to be stored in oil for safekeeping. But what if you put that sodium and oil container into a drawer and forget it's there?

If Sodium is love, then I need some Chlorine.

I hate love.

Coupla things to address today. Here's the agenda.

1) Type agenda of things to get off my chest
2) Give a loud introduction
3) State in brief how the holiday went
4) Reflect on the last post here
5) Address the issue which caused me to interrupt my holiday on Sunday.
6) Shameless plug for readers to pass this post around cos I'm too lazy to do so myself
 

IMMA BACK!!!!

Genting was horribly unexciting for me. I guess I'm in the phase where the rides didnt thrill me cos I'm too old to play on them by myself, and too young to enter the bars, discos, lounges, casinos.

Alright. So I daresay, the fallout has begun from the last post.

Okay wait, lemme put on my sarcastic, cynical hat.

Right. So. It appears to me that some unintended people might have stumbled upon the post. Hold on again. Maybe I did intend for people to stumble upon it, after all, that's what Livejournal alerts are for, right?

Okay so I saw an eye-catching post. You know, those kinda posts that are written from back to front and read from the back to front, those posts that are designed to attract all readers to comment and decipher, yet are disguised as unintended and a form of second-level code. The kinda posts which appear to mean absolutely nothing, unless of course, you're the person the post is addressing. The kinda posts that scream out loud "READ ME" without explicitly saying so.

I'm not irritated, really.

What I don't get is the fixation that girls have with that kinda post. The other variant of the back-to-front-read-from-front-to-back posts, would be those posts which have a few lines deliberately written in an incy wincy little font size, or written in white font so the readers can't see the words. Or both. You heard it here first, that these posts do absolutely nothing except attract attention. Which is the intended reason, most of the time. What good would that do? You wanna make people think, you write stuff there plain and simple for people to read and think about. Kinda like this.

I'm not irritated, really really.

So if you're reading, you probably expect me to say sorry. Kudos to you then, cos I thought about it and yeah, I do feel sorry, but I don't too. Don't get it? Well, I'm sorry about some things, and I'm not sorry about others. So it's not a complete apology, but so sue me.

I must say I wasnt in the best of moods when I posted that last post. But that's obvious. Doesnt hide the fact that some things were exaggerated and dissed to the point of no return. Which was uncool and not classy. What I wanna mention that I know all those stuff that was said, stuff like "gee. thanks" and "love ya bro" was meant to make me feel better about the whole situation and to borrow a phrase, try to put me in the best position possible. So yeah. I know that was the underlying motive, and to diss the whole thing was probably uncool and hurting.

BUT.

I'm not sorry about unloading the huge rant, cos it's what I feel. What I say and what I feel may be two totally different things, for the one simple reason that really, at the end of the day, there are just some things you can't say. And really, even if that's how I feel, I can't voice them, why plunge one more person into misery? The world's a horrible place as it is, so why make it worse by dragging people into more misery?

But it's still what I feel. You may not like it, but it is. You may have noble intentions, but frankly, I could hardly care less, cos for now, I can't. I can't be expected to care what you may feel when I'm in this state I'm in. I can't be expected to give a damn how rants affect you when I genuinely feel that way. I've never been one to be fake about stuff and pretend everything's all okay, but what choice do I have? Thing is, I'd hate to burst your bubble and tell you to your face I'm not happy, but I really am not happy.

All my life, the list of priorities has always been friends, family, me. In that order. I've never gone into a friendship asking myself "what's in it for me?" I'm not gonna start. But I say, it's time I put me first. I don't care if it's selfish, cos I'd like to think I have the right to be. Cos there aint no right or wrong, is there?

So for now, I'm gonna walk away so I don't fuck up anything more. That's all I can do at this point. I'm no superman. For once, I wanna do what's right for ME. Not for anyone else but me. Cos I deserve it. I owe myself that.

And well, walking away is never easy. But I will, cos in the long run, it'll probably be better for our friendship.

Which brings me to the other thing. The thing which I interrupted my holiday for. A mindless, meaningless, stupid argument that has the potential to screw up a friendship. I'm gonna go all ranty again.

First things first. To think that you don't matter to someone else, when that person has continually said that you are important, is a total lack of security, respect and trust for the person. So what if the other person seemingly places other people before you? So what if you're not the first choice that the other person talks to whenever he/she needs an ear? So what if you think you're ranked lower than others in your friend's eyes? Newsflash, EVERYONE DOES IT. So grow up.

Whether they like to admit it or not, or whether they even know it or not, people usually have a ranking list of friends. The list that is never stated, always imaginary, but the list that you know is always there. Everyone has a list of people they view as important in their life, the list of people they'd turn to when they're in need. I do. You do. He does. She does. Everyone does.

Listen, what matters is not where you are on that list. What matters, is that you're ON the list in the first place. It's a vote of confidence to your mutual friendship that you're even in the list. It shows that the other person views you as so important, you're notified when something happens in their life. It shows you mean THAT much. If you're more concerned about being number 2 on that list and not number 1, it does say a whole lot about your maturity, doesnt it?

If you think you're not important to someone, don't keep it bottled. If you think you're the only one carrying a friendship, don't keep it bottled. If you think you've not been treated fairly, don't keep it bottled.

BUT.

When you voice out those opinions, and your friend tells you otherwise, don't stick to those opinions man. I'm all for standing up for what you believe is your rights, but give your friend a chance to explain, and for goodness sakes, ACCEPT the bloody explanation! You may not be convinced by what the other person is saying, but what should always override that, is that you two are FRIENDS, dammit. You owe it to the person, if not yourself, to give him/her the benefit of the doubt. Even if you're not totally convinced, that's where the trust in your friendship comes in, doesn't it? When answers aren't enough, mutual trust should always prompt you to accept them.

I've always said that to me, a friendship without trust is like a car without the engine. Even if the car can start by some miracle, it will still be running on a low horsepower engine. No prizes for stating that it'll take the slightest of bumps to stop the engine. Trust is the basic building block for a good solid friendship. That's obvious, but it must be stated.

If trust is the engine, then understanding is the petrol. When running low, the wise thing to do is either to top up the tank or finding the fault in the supply line. In abundance, it will ensure a smooth ride to one and all. Never let the fuel run out, for the car might stall one fine sunny day in the middle of the road. 

Friends are meant to be the people who are there in times of trouble and heartache. And maybe you should be one too. It doesnt matter if you're the 20th person to know about the latest goings-on in your friend's life, what matters is that you know about the big and the small things that are happening.

Wanting assurance in friendships is commonplace, I'd daresay. But why in the blue hell must you come first? Does it really matter if your friend seems happier with another group? What matters should be that your friend is happy, not the degree of it.

And here's a thought. If your friend seems happier with another group of people, could it possibly be, that it's partly cos of YOU?

And another thing. Will both of you stop waiting for the other person to make the first move? You wanna solve it, you wanna thrash things out, DON'T wait for the other person to take the initiative, YOU take the initiative. If it's important, if your friendship is that important, don't wait, do something about it. Both of you are lying in a fucking crumbling comfort zone, and doing nothing to stop the walls from crashing down. No one wishes for your friendship to come out stronger, apart from yourselves. So stop waiting already, and do something to salvage your situation. Whining and crying about how life is unfair, about how it's not fair for you to "always" make the first move, gets you NOWHERE. At all.

It doesn't matter whether it's fair or not. It doesn't matter if you have to swallow your pride, and make the first move. So what if it isn't fair? See, it's not what you do that wrecks the whole friendship, sometimes it's what you DON'T do.

Telling yourself "Oh, it's a phase, it'll pass, I'll give it time to die down" is LYING to yourself. The fact of the matter is, that if you do that, you're running away. You don't solve the problem now, you're gonna have to solve a bigger one in the future. It's that simple. Running away from things doesnt help at all.

I've said my piece. I guess my experiences dealing with Larry and being a better friend has taught me alot, and I've come a long way from always going "ME, ME, ME".

You can grow older, but can you grow up?

Nuff said.

Okay. I feel a rant coming on. So I shall let fly. It's been all of like 19 days since I got the reply and then proceeded to type out that "happy and contented" post.

Yup. You guessed it. Not anymore. I guess this is the phase called the "cynical phase", where you just feel like snapping the head of that other person and wringing his/her neck. But you realise that when it's all said and done, you're the one to blame for your misery.

Okay. Maybe it's time to update a lil first. So, after feeling all cool about what went down, I receive this message saying, "Hey I know it's weird telling you this now, but I'm starting something with the other guy soon, and you're the first to know..."

The obvious reply was that "well, if you're happy, that's cool with me.". Model answer. 100 points. Textbook, politically correct answer. A round of applause people, to the one reply that's gonna be the best received by the other party.

But what the hell else do you reply in that situation? You can't possibly say "Oh, hold on a minute while I try to prise out this fresh knife you've just stabbed me right in the fucking heart with and just for the heck of it, given a little twist to the handle just so you can see more blood spurt out, following which I'll ring up the cheapest private investigator to see that you and he don't push the boundaries. In the event that you do, I'll proceed to ring up the cheapest contract killer and put a fucking bounty on his head. Right, I'm back now, and really, I feel soooooooooooo happy for you..."

Even if that's how you feel.

Neither can you morph into a sad sod that spews out cliche lines. And say "I can't say that I'm happy for you, but I will come around to it, I guess. But know this. Tell the other guy that he's the luckiest sonofabitch on the planet, cos he's got you. And he's gotten a huge bargain, cos in my biased opinion, he doesn't deserve you. And if he ends up doing something that hurts you and does something to fuck up this great bargain he's got, I'm gonna go kill him cos the fact remains that even though you're with him, I'm here in the background still loving you like the sad sod without an excuse for a life that I am."

Even if that's how you feel.

This however, you can say. "Well, I told you to follow your heart, and I guess you are. And I say, follow your heart, chase your desires while you're still in your prime. And well, whatever happens next happens, I guess. But know this. I'll be supporting the choice you make, even if it turns out to be the wrong choice. Cos in love, there really isn't a wrong choice, and I guess there really isn't a right and a wrong. So yes. Do what you need to do for yourself, and if you need me, I'll be here to lend an ear or a shoulder. I'll support your choices. =)"

Another round of applause for the most politically correct answer, which like most politically correct answers, you spew out whilst swallowing the remaining pride that you have. I guess it's called biting the bullet.

But you know what takes the cake? It'd have to be the reply to that unbelievably sweet reply (hey, cut me some slack). "gee... thanks. i still love you... you know that right?"

I'm not even gonna start on how that amounts to causing dizzying amounts of pain generated through the seemingly casual effort taken to prise out that bloody knife from earlier, clean off the blood dripping from it, and just to make sure, plunge it once again right smack dab into the heart. Oh, I guess I did start on that after all. Shrugs.

And seriously, while I'm in this cynical phase, I might as well say. It sucks to hear "love ya bro" when the wounds are still fresh, it's like prying open the wounds and layering them with salt. In layman''s terms, in case you couldn't get it, it hurts.

T.Y.C.O. Thank You, Captain Obvious.

Oh oh, and yeah, before I neglect to mention, I can't even air these views on the other blog, cos I sure as hell don't want you to stumble upon what I really think and feel. That'd be utterly terrible. I mean, imagine you reading this and tearing at what you see, and causing you endless sleepless nights thinking of what next to do. And God forbid, imagine you having to stop and stare at all that you're reading and feel all sour about how I've kept things from you and made you think that all was fine and chirpy in the world of Daniel.

Wait, isn't that what I've been feeling on and off over the past year? Hmmm.

And now, time for the pointless Alicia reference that comes with every post here. When I told her the whole story, obviously in less sarcastic fashion, she replied, "OMG. fucker of the universe!"

Now, fucker of Singapore, maybe. Let's not get all intergalatic about it. I mean, for all we know, there's a bigger fucker in the universe, on a planet called Xhoaread in a galaxy a million light years away from us. We have to stick with what we know, no?

Is it any wonder that listening too much to Frankie Boyle and Jack Dee have shaped the pattern of this sardonic, ironic, deadpan, cynical post?

And since I'm lazy to direct people here, I'll rely on livejournal alerts to point people here. Not forgetting, the kaypohs like missgan who will undoubtedly pass this around to people in MJK. (Yes, this is a horribly blatant attempt at reverse psychology, aimed at getting the abovementioned kaypoh(s) to direct people here)

Enough verbal diarrhoea for one post, I guess.

No intro, to the point today. This concerns my good friend. And the decision he has made, which pissed off a few other people.

A simple message from other parties causes you to back out on a date we've been planning for ages. If you didn't know it was for you, I'd say well, too bad, he missed out. The fact of the matter is that you did and you chose to give it up for people who might not appreciate what you do for them.

I'm not judging you, dear brother. I choose to believe and believe strongly in the possibility that you have your reasons. You can't be too happy about giving up your celebration for others. Since you don't choose to disclose those reasons, and just choose to turn us down, I say, it's okay. It's okay cos it's your choice. It's okay cos even if we choose not to accept it, there are only two other options for us to choose.

1) Get all pissed with you.
2) Force you to make a choice.

Neither one would work. Us getting pissed affects our mood and spoils the day, and you might not even realise that we're pissed off. I don't wanna force you to make a choice, cos that's not much of a choice right? Make no mistake about it, I personally don't like your decision. But you know what. I'm gonna have to accept it. Cos I'd rather you reject us than feel pressured into going with us.

So here's the plea. We're all a little sore about the whole thing. But please, cmon, let's move on. Being disappointed is normal, but then again, where the heck does that get us? So I say, be disappointed and get over it. Life is all about choices that we make. Sometimes, those choices are ones we would hate to make, but we have to anyway. I choose to believe that this one you're making is one of those choices.

And I choose to stand by you standing by that decision. Sure, we may feel like we're second-hand, but at least, I choose to take comfort in my belief that at the very least, you're willing to say no to us. At least you're that comfortable to say no to us. At the end of the day, call it foolish naivety, but I choose to believe that you're making the decision that you're most comfortable with.

People. MJK. Consider this my plea to you, for him. I speak from the heart. We can't abandon him, no matter how sore we feel NOW. Feelings like this will fade over time. So let these feelings go. Don't trigger any crappy wars. He's not likely to be feeling very good about himself.

What I wanna do for him now, is just stand here silently. It doesnt matter if he doesnt need me to tell me what he really feels. It doesnt matter if he doesnt realise I'm here. What matters is that I'm here for my friend, even if he feels he doesnt need me. I'm willing to do that for him, cos as I've promised him a long time ago, I'd be there for him, no matter what, even if he chooses to ignore that hand of mine which wants to help him out of that quicksand. Cos I believe that ultimately, sometimes it's not what friends do, it's what they DON'T do that is significant.

But that's just me. I dunno about you guys, but I'm willing to lie down for my brother. What about you?

I've said my piece.

Alright. I'll admit. To suddenly declare that I don't care no more, and to suddenly say I'm not intending to bother at this stage and time, is inopportune to say the least. I guess if you were reading, you could call me a right bastard for springing this now and adding to your woes at this point in time.

And yes. It is. It is bad of me to always try and top the list of problems whenever you have them. It does seem that whenever you have tons of problems, Daniel just seems to want to come up with a declaration and a stand that just adds to them. And rightfully so, who really am I to expect these problems and issues to be addressed when quite frankly speaking, you have bigger problems to deal with?

Quite frankly, I don't have any answers that satisfy myself, even. Maybe after all I've said, I really do wanna see how much this means. Call me an old fashioned doozy, but well, friendship still means a whole lot to me. Yeah, I've said that I never ask for anything in return. But when it's all said and done, maybe I still do, somewhat, subconsciously.

I just know that I've never been so flustered about friends before. I dunno how to talk to you or make things sink in. I guess I'm not good at catering to you, or people like you per se. Maybe all throughout four years, the type of girls that I've been friends with, are those who may be wild and may let their hair down once in a fine blue moon, but still are down-to-earth, good girls that quite frankly, my mum would be proud of if I should one day pick any random one and bring her home. Now, that doesn't really fit your caricature, does it?

It's at this time, I really really miss Nan Chiau, for the warmth that it brought into my life. For four years, I got up every morning knowing that I'd be returning to what really is a home away from home, a place where friends are, a safe haven should anything crop up. I got up knowing I'd be seeing the same faces, the same people who would shower concern and care and love, no questions asked. Hell, that probably shaped my attitude when it comes to dealing with the people who matter to me.

They taught me through their harsh words, treatment, attitude and sense, that you don't have to declare you're a friend to be one. They taught me that well, being me was well worth it. They taught me, not through words but by actions, that a friend doesnt have to be there physically.

Now, I go to school everyday without the luxury of having that security. I'm out of my comfort zone, and well, I'm not used to it yet. I guess maybe I need someone to tell me the words I need to hear, in the way I'm used to hearing them. Maybe in a way, that's why I've become so much closer to people like Weishen, who reminds me of the memories of a time where all I had to worry about was frankly, how to get through today.

I still fret about that, but on deeper levels.

This is where I call out the people close to me, and foolishly thank them through a medium that they aren't likely to see.

In no order...
Ler Hwee Siang
Larrison Lim
Er Wei Shen
Jocelyn Quek
Alicia Wee


I miss NanChiau.

I'm tired.

And even among those close to me the last four years...whilst drifting away was inevitable, it didnt stop me from feeling upset, especially by people whom I cherish. Apparently, the distance is as such, Daniel doesn't even warrant instantaneous replies anymore. Better yet, Daniel isn't even approached by those I cherish.

Sigh.

And I wonder why I've lost motivation and drive.

The shit has hit the fan. A few months after that original post stating she would crash and burn, and a few weeks after taking it down, she has come close to crashing and burning. And somehow, despite my desire to believe that she's totally innocent and being maligned, well let's just say her appearance doesn't acquit her well.

And it is at this juncture which I wanna gloat about wanting to say I told her so. Cos I did. Directly, indirectly, in almost every way conceivable, I've been trying to put across the message that playing with fire, can backfire. And quite frankly, I know I'm supposed to feel sorry for her at this stage, but again, I'm not.

To be perfectly honest, I'm rather amused. I think this is a simple case of comeuppance. I think it's what goes around that comes around. I know it's bad of me to think this way, but yknow what? So sue me. I know I'm not "supposed" to think this way, but so sue me. So I can't be bothered to care that much anymore. So sue me. So yeah, in the event that she reads this, and is offended by my words, and how I'm so not a friend in need, here's the message.

I've told you time and again, start putting yourself in the shoes of others, and walk a mile. Last I checked, the world revolves around the sun, not you. The words may sting, and the tears may come, but it's my opinion in all sincerity. It's been 17years of your life. Surely it's time to start growing up instead of growing old? Yes, you have had fun. And yes, a lil fun never killed no one. But well, curiosity killed the cat. I realize that I can no longer smack sense into you. You've stopped listening and thinking about what's been said. So there really is no point in regurgitating all that I've said.

Maybe you have the mentality that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But what if you don't know it's broke?

Maybe it's the mentality that well, you did nothing wrong. But what if you don't know it's wrong?

Maybe it's the mentality that it's alright not to care if you don't expect others to. But what if you don't realise the hands outstretched for you?

Nuff said.

I've lost the ability to knock sense into you. I'd hate to admit defeat usually, but this time, I gladly throw in the towel. I remember what I said, about holding out till other people can take my place as a backup and a "guardian angel". I'll hold out, but well..as mentioned before, I'm so gonna fade into the background, cos that's where I belong. I throw in the towel, and I have no regrets. I did the best I could. Maybe you didnt, but selfishly enough, that's none of my concern. Too bad if you realise it too late, cos that's the point. Sometimes, you miss the train, and there are no more left. I only hope you still kept the messages I sent, if only for future reference.

I told you so.

Last night, or early this morning, having a chat with Alicia once again opened my eyes. We shared our private blogs, and well. I must say that once again, I'm blown away.

Reading back on her posts about what happened last year, they really struck a chord with me now. Yeah, a year too late, but oh well. I guess I always thought she was immature and didn't really understand what love or like was. Turns out, I was the fool that didnt. Looking back at the depth of her emotions, how my actions to push her away led to so much negative emotions, I'm forced to face up to the reality that my actions really did cause such consequences. I guess I thought I knew how she felt, but again, I'm the fool.

I know now, almost a year to the day where Round Two started, that the apologies which were given to her before, didnt really mean anything. It didnt mean anything, precisely cos I didn't know, or stop to consider the depth of the injuries inflicted. And suddenly, I'm confronted with the evilness and despicablility of my actions. If I didnt know it already, what I did was too much, too extreme, to be done to her. She didnt deserve it, and now looking back, I don't know how it's possible that the girl didnt come up to me and give me a tight slap. 

But if there's one thing good, it's that her dedication, her depth of feeling, has renewed once again my faith in love. I don't doubt for one minute, that she really did like me, that she really did love me, cos if she hadnt, well, she wouldnt have been bothered to care that much about me. She was right last night, when she said that it's always nice to know someone feels that way about you. Yeah it's nice, but knowing that now, can't help but sow some seeds of regret in my heart, at how things turned out.

I now realise how much of a big jerk I was, I realise now why more than ever before, I didnt deserve her love. I know I told myself I didnt, but I couldnt prove it. Now I can. Now I can really say, that I didn't deserve her love. Now I can really say, that she's a much better person than me. Now I can really say, that her friends were right on, spot on in saying that she should have stopped devoting that much attention to me sooner. 

And I wonder, how can I wallow that much in my self pity, in feeling sorry for myself about this current thing I'm in, or got myself into. I know I can't live up to her standards, for I've failed in the very first task, telling her I love her. I wonder how is it that I can allow myself to feel that bad, when well, if this is karma, I have a long way to go to reap fully what I've sown.

And now, I can really say this, without the pleasantries, without feeling like I had to, without being condescending and being just empty words.

I'm sorry.

The last few nights, have been strange for me. Usually I plop myself on the bed and fall asleep in a few minutes. But somehow, I take too damn long to fall asleep nowadays. 

So I lie in bed, and obviously thoughts run wild. I say wild, but I really mean I think about how I'd act when I see her. Basically, I'm going into Alicia mode. I used to laugh at her blog posts about how she'd fret about telling me the slightest thing, about how her heart raced like mad whenever she walked past my class, about how she always felt like she was putting on an act, a facade that showed her always smiling, always pretending to be happy. And now look at me. I guess this really is something like retribution, for treating her like shit, for making her feel like crap. Well, I sure ain't laughing, now that the very same thoughts are running through me, and lo and behold, ain't I blogging? 

Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I bother caring so much about her. She doesnt seem to reciprocate. Occasionally she says she does, but honest to goodness I feel like I'm being patronized whenever she says that kinda stuff. How could she be tactless to such an extent, to drop me out of her life without waving a single goodbye? 

Hah. Look at that. I thought she was tactless. Once again, what goes around comes around. Sometimes I feel like God is teaching me a lesson, about how I reap what I sow. 

And again I tell myself, at the end of the day, I DO know why I bother caring so much about her. I know why I care. I know why I do what I do. I know my original intentions of becoming such close friends with her. I remember telling her off before, stating that I felt she expected me to be there when she needed me, yet disappeared when I expected her to be there. I thought it was just frustrations boiling over at that time, but now I think of it, I see it differently now. I ask myself that very question now, and I get the most frightening and most ambiguous answer.

I don't know.

I guess The Bard was correct. 

The true course of love never runs smooth.

Ah sigh.

Love.